You know...

I went through a dark spot...

I call it a dark spot because I did not see a way past it... I only saw my own failure..
I only saw my own fear..

I observed other riders, some younger, some older, achieving that which I was striving for...
And I realized I may not be up to the task..

I doubted myself.. I loathed myself and I hated the way I felt...

Horses, riding, roping, It started to gain a aura that equaled pain and inability to meet my own standards..

When I saw other people ride it only highlighted  my own failure..

I was ready to quit.. To forget the sweat and tears of the last 8 years and chuck it..
I was never going to be good, not even decent.. I was always going to be a hack.. a back street video pushing, self proclaimed nobody that never gained the respect of the people that really mattered..
A failure..

And there is nothing worse to my nature, then admitting that... caving into that feeling...
To know you will never be good at a thing.. regarded by those you know as a mere shadow, or even worse a poser..

Sure you could talk the talk but did you know what it means, could you ride the way you spoke? Did you horses move, act, and respond to you the way your horsemanship vindicated?..

Or were your words empty and hollow, like words sex partners share in order to feel safe with one another...

Gads..

So I went through a dark patch... Sell or put Miss M down, turn my horses out to pasture and forget it...

But then I went to Legacy.. Listened to the clinicians... Buck, Lee and the people around me. I watched people I consider my friends and even close acquaintance ride and speak to friends and make new ones..

And I realized, the only person I was quiting was myself.. The only fear I had was a fear I created.. The only reason I could not gain the respect I wanted from my peers was because I was blocking the way..

Gads..

So if your wondering why I have not updated my blog its because of that.. Because I did not know were I wanted to go..

I was injured, not because of the way I was riding, or even the horse, but because I did not take the time to cinch up a horse I knew needed solid support.. Because I was taking things to "easy"...

I lost so much and now I need to figure out how to regain my spirit.. To re-capture my desire..

Its hard, and I understand why people who come back from events like that do not push themselves or their horses as they needed to... The fear creeps in... just keep it easy.. keep it slow... dont push it... stay on this side of safe... so safe..

Sure... But then you never grow.. never experience... never learn..

So I pick up my Miss M on Saturday... lets see where this goes...

Hi Ho!
L